In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Come back. Shots need mouths.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
