U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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