So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
