How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
