He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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