it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
40s are totally the cure
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
