just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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