Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
do herpes really smell.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
