it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
