the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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