I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
