his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman