so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!