her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
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I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.