I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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