Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
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So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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