Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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