Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
