cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
