you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
