Only a mothe r could love this liver
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
