Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
