So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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