I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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