Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
