I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
