Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
