Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?