1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
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The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.