I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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