I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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