i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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