I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
