I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But break dance skills will only take you so far
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
