so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
