i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
