Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
