Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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