There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
