I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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