Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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