why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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