I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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