you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I touched a dick in church today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
