I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she pinky promised me she was 18
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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