Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
