He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
