God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
