I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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