Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
