Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
where are you?
Hypothermia
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
