Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just pee around me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
