im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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