Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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