shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
