dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
