Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
