we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
