Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
