Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
